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From One Single Woman To Another

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There are many ways in which a woman may find herself single at any point in her life. Whether by choice or an inability to find a suitably compatible partner, by way of divorce or being widowed through a tragic loss – singleness can happen to any woman at any time.

Sadly, the vast majority of society places a great amount of pressure on single people, especially us women, to get hitched up and to do it soon. So it’s easy to feel like a despairing busker lurking on the outskirts of a city seemingly teeming with married couples, trying to explain to them all about how challenging single life really is – to get them to understand. But I want to say to you, stop. Yes, being single sometimes does have a few snags, your parents and aunts might find every opportunity to tell you how ‘worried’ they are for you, perhaps you turned down a man and your fear has you doubting yourself and your decision, well I want to say relax, trust yourself, it is going to be alright.

“You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your life and choices.”

What’s more important for you right now is to understand the reasons you’re in this position at this point in your life. It could be a gentle push from above, a loving nudge in the direction of The Almighty, encouragement to strengthen your connection with Him with no distractions. Maybe this is the time for you to realise your talents and figure out how to use them to better your life and the lives of those around you. Maybe this is the part where you learn patience and resilience and discover your self-worth, so you can validate yourself by yourself.

Maybe it’s all of the above.

Look to this as a blessing in disguise and embrace the period of solitude you’re lucky enough to have received, few others are in possession of such a luxury. You are in a place in your life where you can spend all your time, if you so wish, thinking about yourself and doing good things for you. The door to a new, glorious journey is in front of you and all your decisions lay at your feet.

Don’t feel disheartened at having no reply to those questions of ‘when?’ and ‘why?’ pertaining to your single status. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your life and choices. Don’t ever feel like less of a Muslim by statements like ‘marriage fulfils half your deen’. This simply means that half the problems you’ll face after acquiring a spouse will be related to your marriage and the implications that marriage has on your imaan because quite often marriage is one of the greatest tests we are given. We already have various levels of imaan, we go into marriages with these, and it then either deepens and flourishes or lessens depending on us and the efforts we put into the partnership. There are many who go around scaring single people into rushed marriages with this statement, not fully comprehending themselves exactly what it means. You are not inferior to anyone because you don’t have a man at your side, you are and always have been a complete entity made with the purpose of praising God, solely, not made to acquire a partner or else. That is a bonus of this life.

Know, that no matter how long a period of time you’ve been single, in the grand scheme of your life, it’s not even a drop in the ocean even if it’s been ten years. Hold firm to your coveted cloak of autonomy and wear it with pride, a symbol of your individual strength. Because when the days of love come around once more, these finite moments will be memories to cling to during times of adversity, reminders always, of your personal power, your bravery, your courage.

Make this time of your life the best of your life.

By Fadila Henry

Fadila Henry is a creative writer currently working on a collection of flash fiction stories. She is interested in feminism, defending single women and foreign languages. You can find her on Twitter @apricotpinks or her blog fadilahenry.com
Image credit: https://memegenerator.net/instance/66229616
Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the original author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.


1 Comment

A Response to the ‘Open Letter To A Single 25 Year Old Asian/Arab Girl’

by Ayisha Malik

@Ayisha_Malik

Unwed Bride, Samah Hamidi, roams Cairo in white dress to challenge social taboos .

I’m not sure whether I should respond to this as it’s a letter addressed to 25 yr old single girls, and so, being 33 I’ve missed the boat. Both on the letter and a man, apparently.

Except I was urged by fellow tweeters to express my feelings so I thought hey, why not! I’m a writer, it’s the least I can do. In fact, I’ve had to take time out of my evening from writing; a career I’ve been trying to forge since I was sixteen (probably younger). If only I hadn’t spent all this time honing my skills, getting a degree and masters and had instead focussed that energy on finding a husband, I’d be happily married with three (or more! Happy thought!) kids. I’d not have a two-book deal with a new and dynamic publisher, nor would it have been optioned for adaptation for TV (a story, by the way, about a London-based hijabi, who’s sick of the dating game). Damn I miss that marriage and three kids. No, but I do. In fact, I’ve been dating seriously for about seven years. My dad (may God rest his soul) wanted me to fulfil my dreams, my (thanks to God alive) mother wants me to get married. I’ve been trying to do both. Crazy thought, eh! Do both? So I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to reconcile dreams with reality and along comes a lady who (with, I honestly believe, the best of intentions) has told me I’ve been doing it all wrong.

But, hang on, she does recognise the window is narrow and unfair. So, I want to know why the framework within which we live and find ourselves isn’t being challenged, rather than the women who are trying to push that framework, widen it for future generations of women who can (I pray to God) dare to have it all without worrying about dying alone.

No! Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t change the system (or mentality). We should be the good Muslim girls we were raised to be and instead push and squeeze ourselves (not just into our designer clothes) but into this unfair framework.

My dad didn’t raise me that way, though. He said chase that which your heart desires; be bold and daring. In fact; be fearless. And then there’s this letter, which exploits the very fear every woman (and man) has: that of being alone forever. Scary stuff, ain’t it? The thought of ending up All by Myself (sing it, Sista). Who wants that?

I believe the lady that wrote this letter had the very best of intentions. I believe she’s trying to help people find happiness in marriage and may Allah bless her for it.

But she has gone against the ethos that every woman of our generation should have: to not be afraid; to rage against that which society dictates to us; rage against the injustice and hypocrisy. Even if it means you make the sacrifice, and you end up alone. As a woman of faith that is when we say, Allah hu Alim. And He knows best. So, put your trust in Him. Be aware of your intentions, strive for what you want, but don’t believe that marriage and dynamism are mutually exclusive, though it might be rare. Don’t believe that we can’t change things through dialogue and literature. And I really do beg that the women who are single and doing extraordinary things: do not mould yourself to fit into an ideal – an ideal that is both wrong and unjust. What is that Ralph Waldo Emerson quote?

‘Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.’

That’s what we should be encouraging women to be – trailblazers.

Ayisha Malik is a writer and managing editor for a leading literary consultancy. Sofia Khan Is Not Obliged is her debut novel about the life of a hijabi Londoner, published by Bonnier, Jan 2016. Follow her on Twitter @Ayisha_Malik

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the original author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.

Image of Unwed Bride roaming Cairo courtesy of New Age Islam Blog