Ice cracks
Thawing
Cold that was
But is there
No
More.
Torture and nightmares
Panics and horror
Irrationality
Loss – identity
Loss – confidence
Loss – reality
Crisis
The continuous cycle is
Paused
I breathe normally
Sensations come back
The ice within is consumed into water
I am controlled by me
No-one else
But by me
The cracks continue
The ice breaks down
It takes time
But I am happy to wait
Pain horror nightmares terror loss confusion crisis injustice disgust
A mixture bubbling under the surface
Behind the pretend face
The face that smiles
While the other one cries
I am happy to wait
Because I see its worth
To wait to know
To meet myself again
To know it is OK
I am in control
No-one else
But me
What I am is what I decide
What I want to be I can
Nothing is decided
Life can change
I can be free
I am in control
No-one else
But me
Pain horror nightmares anguish confusion terror loss injustice disgust violence
Never would anyone deserve these things
But they have happened
They happen all the time
And they have happened to me.
I understand now
I can say ‘I know’ and
Really know
What pain is
I can find the strength that was there all along
And use it
Enjoy it
I will know all these things and I will know it is there
I am in control
No-one else
But me
We change all the time
Time shifts with us
The same cannot really exist
Events will pass
Horror and ecstasy
Flash
Before us
I can see I can move
Through time itself
Tick past the horror
Tock past the nightmares
They will not stay with me forever
I am free
I can be who I want to be
I always could
But now I know
That I could
And should
We all deserve the same
When I say ‘I know’
now
I really know what pain is
It will define the other
The real happiness
I am free
Nightmares end when you wake up
I will not sleep forever
I will open my eyes and see
How I can make the world work for me
I will know it is OK
I am in control
No-one else
But me.
By Chloe Knibbs