She Speaks We Hear

Bringing women's voices together, unaltered, unadulterated

Accepting your dark side

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We are told at a very young age how to behave. The social parameters of ‘normal’ thoughts and behaviour are clearly set out for us and stepping out of those boundaries can have grave consequences. So, it’s no wonder that we find it hard to accept in ourselves those characteristics that are classified as socially unacceptable and could lead to a painful rejection.

Throughout history we have been taught that we must ‘kill’ the dark-side, those negative characteristics and weaknesses within us. But is that even possible? And if so, is it even healthy? What we resist persists, so if we spend all our time killing and eradicating a side of us, are we at risk of doing more harm than good?

As human beings, we were created with a full range of emotional responses and desires, classified as good and bad, and this is universal. So what we do know is that we are not responsible for the creation of these, they are natural and they have a function. So why do we need to hide the ‘bad’ ones and pretend they are not there. Sheryl Lee said, “the more we deny that we have a dark–side, the more power it has over us”.

“Avoiding our dark side can rob us of happiness, it can lead to depression and addictions because we are not truly connecting with ourselves or with other people.”

The healthiest way to live is to accept the beast within us, that way we can keep it in check. If we deny it and ignore it, it tends to slowly get out of control and in time much difficult to harness. It’s hard to accept the dark-side because we often feel afraid of the rejection that will follow if anyone finds out about that side of us. We get busy creating a world where we are ‘fine’ and the problem is out there.

Avoiding our dark side can rob us of happiness, it can lead to depression and addictions because we are not truly connecting with ourselves or with other people. If we continue to live a picture-perfect life, denying a part of ourselves we can become exhausted and lonely. When we accept the dark-side it lives in harmony with the light and we lead much more authentic and healthy lives.

Fully accepting ourselves as people with dark and light sets us free, we become a more whole and complete person. The pressure to lead a ‘perfect’ life is gone and we are free to accept what’s really there for us. Once we are able to accept ourselves as whole, complete and perfect as we are and as we are not, we are able to do the same for others. The feeling of fully knowing ourselves and another and being able to share that is true intimacy and connection.

How do we know what our own personal dark side is? So, we need to listen carefully to the judgements we make about others, these are often the same judgements we make about ourselves. If we find fragility in someone annoying, then chances are that we find the same thing in ourselves annoying too and will probably go to great lengths to hide it from others. In such circumstances, we may openly judge others and gossip about them to deflect the same weakness in ourselves.

We may suffer jealousy, ignoring or denying this feeling can lead to dysfunctional behaviours however, if we are willing to accept that such feelings exist within us and that they are natural then we are free to deal with them. If jealousy is the overriding feeling, then we have to identify the reasons behind it. If for example, we are feeling jealous of a friend who has had a great holiday with her dream partner then the reasons why we are triggered is because we want the same. Instead of wishing it away from our friend it’s healthier to wish the same for ourselves and then establish ways to have the same possibly even by asking our friend for advice on how.

Once we begin to treat ourselves with such compassion and not judge reactions within us that are normal and there to be understood, we are able to harness that side of us. We become more authentic in our relationships. We are better able to allow that authenticity to show in others without judgement. We no longer fear rejection because we fully accept and respect ourselves for all that we are and all that we are not. Fortunately, we are not just dark, or light, and our real beauty lies in the harmony of both.

By Aamna Khokhar

For more information and to access e-learning modules or book a one-to-one please visit leafcoaching.com


Aamna Khokhar is determined to equip people with the tools to strengthen communication, regard and love within their relationships. She helps people overcome destructive thought patterns, obstructive emotional responses and manage stress and anxiety. She believes that the management of these can help people heal their relationships and reclaim their self-worth and improve their lives. With a background in Psychology spanning 20 years and a qualification in life coaching Aamna has chosen to specialise in Relationship Coaching. She works with individuals as well as in groups and runs workshops on self-development and the creation and maintenance of healthy relationships, including finding love. She has recently begun creating e-learning modules allowing individuals to work at their own pace and leisure to ensure that self-development is a pleasurable part of their everyday lives. 

To contact Aamna please email on info@leafcoaching.com

Disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the original author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the website.

Image credit: Akeela Ahmed

Author: She Speaks We Hear

Bringing women’s voices together, unaltered, unadulterated. Platforming stories and experiences of Muslim women, so they can own their narrative.

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